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Newark, New Jersey: The Ten Minute Suicide Guide

Manuel L. Lohr 4363 Spring Haven Trail Newark, NJ 07102


So you're thinking about committing suicide.

That is, I figure you probably are if you're reading this, judging by the e-mail I get every day.

I obviously can't change your mind about this and I don't particularly see the need to. BUT, a person can screw up a suicide just like anything else and so I offer this guide on how to do it right. Yes, it does matter. This is the act that everyone will remember about you forever and ever. So, before you go rushing into it...

The following is a true story. I knew a girl in High School named Skyler. One day, not long after her 17th birthday, she got fed up with life and swallowed a whole bottle of pills. I would go into why, but we never knew why. All she left behind was a squiggly suicide note, scrawled in a tearful rage on the back of an Arby's receipt.

To make things worse, the devastating last line of her note, "I'M FINISHED WITH YOUR SHIT" was put down so sloppily that her family read it as, "I'M FAMISHED FOR MORE SHIT."

The family thus were led to believe that Skyler suffered from Coprophilia, or a fetish for eating human feces. And since death is no time to judge a person, Skyler's mother and father and three brothers openly embraced what they believed to be their beloved's love affair with poo. Who knows, maybe it was her shame over this unusual habit that pushed her over the edge. So they went public with the note, outing their poop-loving daughter to the community as to shed light on those still persecuted.

Skyler's classmates rallied around her memory, condemning the fecalphobes who they figured had taunted her as she took repeated trips to life's turd buffet. A memorial service was held in our school gym two days later and first up to the podium was little Kim Wittaker (a teammate on Skyler's dance team), who read this poem dedicated to her memory:

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with your newfound wings,

you can fly high-ler

you'll have the poop pile of kings

and a golden poop piler

wherever you're at,

you have phat scat sat near the fat scat vat

we miss you

At this point, Principal Clark unveiled an airbrush painting by award-winning art student Cody Gunderson, which would honor Skyler's memory by forever hanging in the main entranceway of the school.

Do you get the point? Skyler didn't plan to fail. She just failed to plan. So before you get down to business, here's three things you need to think through. It won't take long:

1. Where Do You Go From Here?

I had a friend who worked as a cook at Denny's and hated it. On his feet and tossing salads all day. So he decides to rob the place, figuring he can take the money and start a new life. Instead he gets caught and goes to prison, where he winds up doing kitchen duty all day and tossing salads all night.

What I'm trying to say is that depending on where you end up, you could find yourself in the exact same bullshit you're in now. Most of us sit around the campfire late at night and talk about the afterlife as a distant, vague thing but you, if you do the suicide you're actually going to be there in a few minutes. So we have to stop talking about the afterworld as a shadowy hypothetical and start talking in terms of an actual place where you'll actually be before your next Birthday.

There are really only two popular views on the afterlife, the religious view and the nonreligious one. Now I don't know what you believe and I don't particularly care, so we'll just examine each possibility equally.

Afterlife Possibility A: Hell or something like it

If Christians are right, you can expect Hell. The best picture of Hell we have is from Italian author Dante Alighieri, who 700 years ago took a trip through Hell and then wrote an unreadable book about it.

His picture of Hell is about what you'd expect, in that there are different levels of hellness depending on what kind of an asshole you were. If you're surprised that suicides wind up in Hell at all, you have to understand that the bitch about suicide is that under the Christian scheme, it qualifies as murder. Dante's Hell has the suicide cases living in a suburb of murdererville.

This may sound unfair, but remember that murder isn't a horrible crime because of what it does to the murdered. That person is gone, what do they care? No, the crime is against the murdered person's Mom and brother and sister and best friend and all their coworkers and the people he or she owed money to. All of the people who depended on that person or would have depended on them in the future had they been allowed to live, all of the people who will feel the crushing waves of misery and loneliness due to their abrupt absence, they're the victims.

And since suicide creates the same real and emotional devastation as homocide, the two are treated as the same crime. I know, it sucks. But remember you're not being punished for what you did to yourself, but what you did to those around you when you pulled the trigger. That's the thing, suicide has a way of only hurting the people who liked you. The people who hated you will forget your name in a month and, in fact, the evil bastards who tormented you and drove you to this will actually be a little happier with you gone. Suicide is like a bunch of your friends saving up money to buy you a car and then you taking the car and running them over with it aaza butea superba.


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Pittston, Pennsylvania: The Peruvian root Maca is pure hype.

Jim T. Marshall 4872 Conference Center Way Pittston, PA 18640

It has zero effect on any hormonal parameters in humans, as evidenced by the following study publushed in the famous Journal of Endocrinology.

The study URL is here:

Effect of Lepidium meyenii (Maca), a root with aphrodisiac and fertility-enhancing properties, on serum reproductive hormone levels in adult healthy men


GF Gonzales,

A Cordova,

K Vega,

A Chung,

A Villena and

C Gonez


Lepidium meyenii (Maca) is a Peruvian hypocotyl that grows exclusively between 4000 and 4500 m in the central Andes. Maca is traditionally employed in the Andean region for its supposed aphrodisiac and/or fertility-enhancing properties. This study was a 12-week double-blind, placebo-controlled, randomized, parallel trial in which active treatment with different doses of Maca Gelatinizada was compared with a placebo. The study aimed to test the hypothesis that Maca has no effect on serum reproductive hormone levels in apparently healthy men when administered in doses used for aphrodisiac and/or fertility-enhancing properties. Men aged between 21 and 56 Years received 1500 mg or 3000 mg Maca. Serum levels of luteinizing hormone, follicle-stimulating hormone, prolactin, 17-alpha hydroxyprogesterone, testosterone and 17-beta estradiol were measured before and at 2, 4, 8 and 12 weeks of treatment with placebo or Maca (1.5 g or 3.0 g per day). Data showed that compared with placebo Maca had no effect on any of the hormones studied nor did the hormones show any changes over time. Multiple regression analysis showed that serum testosterone levels were not affected by treatment with Maca at any of the times studied (P, not significant). In conclusion, treatment with Maca does not affect serum reproductive hormone levels wholesale.


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Bolton, Massachusetts: 101-year-old paedophile bags 13-year prison sentence

Paul G. Wilson 3709 Hillcrest Avenue Bolton, MA 01740

A 101-year-old paedophile – one of the oldest convicted criminals in British legal history on Monday was sentenced to 13 years in prison for 21 sexual offences against children.

Ralph Clarke, from Birmingham in the English Midlands, was found guilty of sexually abusing two sisters in the 1970s and early 1980s.

“You present as a fragile old man; however, what was plain to see was that, despite your guilty pleas, you have no remorse whatsoever,’’ Judge Richard Bond stated at the sentencing.

The victims, who were between the ages of 4 and 13 when the abuse took place and are now in their late 40s, spoke to police after they saw Facebook posts celebrating Clarke’s 100th birthday.

However Clarke denied abusing the sisters and accused them of being serial liars.

The retired lorry driver was also convicted of sex offences against a young boy, which he admitted during the trial at Birmingham Crown Court Indonesia.


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Van Nuys, California: Afghan girl beheaded for refusing prostitution: Police

Michael J. Marshall 3820 Edsel Road Van Nuys, CA 91405

HERAT, AFGHANISTAN: Afghan police have arrested four people who allegedly tried to force a woman into prostitution in western Afghanistan and beheaded her when she refused, officials said on Wednesday.

Mah Gul, 20, was beheaded after her mother-in-law attempted to make her sleep with a man in her house in Herat province last week, provincial police chief Abdul Ghafar Sayedzada told AFP.

"We have arrested her mother-in-law, father-in-law, her husband and the man who killed her," he said.

Gul was married to her husband four months ago and her mother-in-law had tried to force her into prostitution several times in the past, Mr Sayedzada said.

The suspect, Najibullah, was paraded by police at a press conference where he said the mother-in-law lured him into killing Gul by telling him that she was a prostitute.

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"It was around 2:00 am when Gul's husband left for his bakery. I came down and with the help of her mother-in-law killed her with a knife," he said.

The murder comes against a backdrop of a world outcry over the shooting by Taliban Islamists of a 14-year-old Pakistani girl, Malala Yousafzai, who had become a voice against the suppression of women's rights.

While Yousafzai's case has made world headlines, people using social media in Afghanistan have made the point that oppression and violence against women are commonplace in Afghanistan.

Abdul Qader Rahimi, the regional director of the government-backed human rights commission in western Afghanistan, said violence against women had dramatically increased in the region recently.

"There is no doubt violence against women has increased. So far this year we have registered 100 cases of violence against women in the western region," he said, adding that many cases go unreported.

"But at least in Gul's case, we are glad the murderer has been arrested and brought to justice," he said.

Last year, in a case that made international headlines, police rescued a teenage girl, Sahar Gul, who was beaten and locked up in a toilet for five months after she defied her in-laws who tried to force her into prostitution tongkat ali.


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Durango, Colorado: Mass torture at unofficial detention center in Ankara, monitoring group claims

Matthew A. Peterson 4731 Shobe Lane Durango, CO 81301

Credible reports of mass torture and abuse in an unofficial detention center in the Turkish capital have been received by the Stockholm Center for Freedom (SCF), a monitoring group for rights violations in Turkey, according to a report on their website on Monday.

An account provided by a group of lawyers who have knowledge of cases of the detention of some 1,000 people last week indicates that the police have been engaging in torture and abuse on victims in a sporting hall that was converted into a detention center a short distance from Ankara city center. The facility, owned by the State Waterworks Authority (DSİ), was used to perpetrate both verbal and physical torture on victims including threats to kill, rape and beat as well as strappado and spraying with ice cold water.

The lawyers, who wanted to remain anonymous for reasons of safety, told SCF that male suspects in custody were not only subjected to torture but also threatened with the rape of their wives and daughters by the police. Female victims were directly threatened with rape.

One suspect told his lawyer that “I heard all kinds of cursing and swearing against my family during the interrogation. They threatened me with raping my family members. We are subjected to all kinds of abuse and physical violence here. I saw one man who had a black eye. I witnessed another man having difficulty in walking because police shoved a baton into his anus. So many victims have marks on their bodies from abuse and torture. One doctor wrote a report documenting torture, but the police were trying to falsify the date of the report.”

The same suspect added that “we heard this torture and abuse could go on for a longer period, but we were told police are rushing because they are expecting to receive hundreds of detainees in the coming weeks. They need space for newcomers. That is why they are subjecting us to intensified and heavy torture and abuse so that they can turn suspects into informants.”

The lawyers also complained that the sporting hall only has one working toilet for hundreds of people who were kept there in inhuman conditions. They are all forced to sleep on the floor next to each other on a piece of sheet laid down on the floor. They also believe the conditions in that detention center are worse than reported because they have very limited access to suspects in police custody.

Last week Turkish prosecutors issued detention warrants for 4,900 people over their alleged links to the Gülen movement, with 1,009 of them detained in simultaneous raids across Turkey’s 72 provinces on Wednesday.

The list was reportedly drawn up by Turkey’s notorious National Intelligence Organization (MİT), which profiled unsuspecting citizens based on their political views and ideologies.

Since there was no solid evidence to warrant their detentions, police have been using torture to extract forced confessions out of the suspects, who in many cases are compelled to sign statements that were prepared in advance.

The suspects, many of whom are educators, are alleged to have been members of the Gülen movement, which is critical of the authoritarian and repressive regime of President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan.

The suspects were detained without the knowledge of their lawyers and interrogated without their lawyers being present.

A leaked confidential government document last year revealed that Turkey’s police have been using unofficial detention centers across the country. Apparently concerned over an impending visit by a delegation from the Council of Europe (CoE) Committee for the Prevention of Torture (CPT) that was scheduled to carry out inspections between Aug. 28 and Sept. 6, 2016, the acting deputy head of the Turkish National Police warned all officers about the visit and ordered them to avoid using sports facilities as detention centers during the delegation’s stay in the country.

The official also asked police officers to obey international rules of detention while the delegation was in Turkey and ordered them to reorganize all detention centers and to make the centers ready for the inspection as quickly as possible.

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Among the locations where detainees are reported by media to have been tortured or subjected to maltreatment are Ayaş Prison in Ankara’s Sincan district; the gymnasium at Ankara Police Headquarters; the gymnasium at the Ankara Police Academy; the Special Forces headquarters in Ankara’s Gölbaşı district; the solitary confinement cells in İstanbul’s Silivri and Ankara’s Sincan prisons; a warehouse behind Ankara Police headquarters; the gymnasium at Diyarbakır’s Gaffar Okkan Police Academy; and Diyarbakır’s Bağlar gymnasium. A room immediately next to the attorney-detainee meeting room at İstanbul’s Vatan Police Station is also believed to be among such locations krachai dam.

Despite a last-minute attempt by the Turkish government to cover its tracks on torture, the CPT is believed to have documented serious torture and abuse cases during its fact-finding visit to Turkey. That is the reason why the Turkish government denied the approval request by the CPT to make its report publicly available.

In December 2016, the United Nations Special Rapporteur on Torture Nils Melzer talked about an environment conducive to torture following a failed coup in Turkey on July 15, 2016. He noted that Turkey is not following up on investigating torture allegations. Melzer’s visit, the first by a UN torture expert to Turkey since 1998, came a month after US-based watchdog Human Rights Watch (HRW) accused Turkish police of torturing detainees. On Oct. 27, in a 43-page report titled “A Blank Check: Turkey’s Post-Coup Suspension of Safeguards Against Torture,” HRW documented 13 specific abuse incidents concerning Turkey’s post-coup detainees. The alleged abuse cases ranged from the use of stress positions and sleep deprivation to severe beatings, sexual abuse and the threat of rape.

Human rights group Amnesty International reported on July 24 that it had received credible evidence of detainees in Turkey being subjected to beatings and torture, including rape, since the failed coup on July 15.

Confirming the claims, Selçuk Kozağaçlı, president of the Progressive Lawyers’ Association (ÇHD), said during the Ankara Bar Association’s general assembly on Oct. 16 that people imprisoned as part of a government crackdown on the Gülen movement are being systematically tortured in the most barbaric ways including rape, removal of nails and the insertion of objects into their anuses.

“They remove the nails of colleagues [during detention] at police stations. Believe me, I saw people who underwent a colostomy after they were tortured with objects inserted into their anuses in prison and police stations,” said Kozağaçlı.

According to an SCF report on March 22, 2017 under the title “Suspicious Deaths And Suicides In Turkey” there has been an increase in the number of suicides and suspicious deaths in Turkey, most in Turkish jails and detention centers where a torture and ill-treatment is being practiced.

In most of the 54 cases mentioned in the report, (which was later updated with a list of 60 cases) the authorities concluded that they were suicides without any effective, independent investigation. Suspicious deaths have also taken place beyond the prison walls amid psychological pressure and threats of imminent imprisonment and torture, sometimes following the release of suspects or just before their detention.

According to a statement from Interior Minister Soylu on April 2, a total of 113,260 people have been detained as part of investigations into the Gülen movement since the July 15 coup attempt, while 47,155 were put into pre-trial detention. On May 6, Turkish Justice Minister Bekir Bozdağ said 149,833 people have been investigated and 48,636 have been jailed as part of an investigation targeting the Gülen movement since July 15 of last year expedition.


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